Movie Review: Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971)

Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971)
Directed by Amando de Ossorio

Tombs of the Blind Dead Cover ArtDescription: A semi-retarded hottie in a pair of Daisy Dukes jumps from a moving train and winds up in the ruins of an ancient castle where some evil Knights Templar once performed Satanic/Egyptian eternal-life rituals. As it should happen, the rituals were a great success and now the place is infested by cool looking mummy/skeleton/vampire Knights Templar who apparently just sit around, kickin‘ it, waiting for visitors/dinner to come strolling in. You can imagine what happens to the afore mentioned hottie in said Daisy Dukes.Written and directed by Amando de Ossorio as the first part of his masterful Blind Dead series.

The Good: Mummies on horseback! Yippee Kayay Cadavers! These dudes are the original Mordor posse. There’s also several dozen wicked looking musty old monks with long black goatees who have no eyes, roaming around with fifteenth-century bastard swords. Now add to that a hot lesbian in a graveyard in the middle of the night who’s wearing a pair of knee-high white vinyl go-go boots and you’ve got yourself a badass movie!

The acting is decent for the kind of film it is and the camera work has moments of interest. For the most part, these elements are not so bad as to distract which allows the viewer to stay focused on more important things, like the dumbass getting naked while completely alone in a deserted, crumbling castle at midnight for apparently no reason. I live for those moments. So do evil, visually impaired Knights Templar it seems.

The Bad: Seventies hair. Oh yeah, and the centuries-old, abandoned and crumbling, haunted castle has freshly cut grass and lots of Giallo mood lighting, both of which are altogether uncommon amenities in a centuries-old, abandoned and crumbling, haunted castle.

The Ugly: Seventies hair. Other than that, this film is exactly what one should expect from 1970’s Italian horror – which is plenty of kickassness. This is not a Serious Statement film, nor is it an Artistic Expression film. It’s goofy, shock horror, teenaged boner stuff, so an in-depth cinematic critique is out of place. It’s a fun film, leave it at that already!

Old School: Fans of schloky drive-in films will enjoy Tombs of the Blind Dead, if you haven’t already watched it twenty hundred times.

New Blood: Under-thirties will find a lot to laugh about so get your giggle on with this one. It’s totally harmless, booby-flashing fun with the occasional squirt or two of Cardiff red.

To See or Not to See?   The next time you’re flipping through Fangoria, look for the coffin-shaped box set of DVDs that features this classic and buy the whole damn thing asap.

Check out the Tombs of the Blind Dead Trailer:

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